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BDSM: What’s it all about?

BDSM as a lifestyle and set of sexual practices is more visible than ever within pop culture - who could miss hearing about 50 Shades of Gray, or the new and immensely popular Euphoria? While BDSM themes make great TV and film, it isn't always depicted realistically, which is why there are a few misconceptions about sexual play…

Knowledge is power. And when it comes to BDSM, many of you are passionate power seekers! Being aware of the safe practices of BDSM is vital in getting maximum enjoyment from your playtimes.. Here's everything you need to know before you flirt with the anti-”vanilla” world of darker kinks and fetishes.

A Crash Course in Kink

Let’s break it down...

‘BDSM’ is an umbrella term, covering a wide spectrum of erotic practices, kinks, and fetishes, based on control dynamics between consenting sex partners:

B/D = Bondage and Discipline

Bondage is a sexual practice in which a Dominant playmate restrains a partner during sex. The ultimate goal of this practice is to energise stimulation for all parties involved.

Discipline refers to how the Dominant sets the rules for their Submissive to obey. It’s important to note here that all playmates involved must consent to these rules beforehand. Depending on the relationship these rules can be sexual (like requiring scheduled oral sex at specific times or carrying out strict bedroom rituals), indirectly erotic (like ‘worshipping’ or wearing particular clothes around the house), and/or public/remote (like behaving certain ways in public, even when not with their playmate). When a Submissive breaks a rule, the Dominant will typically determine an appropriate punishment.

Punishments can range from withholding pleasure, to inflicting pain (via spanking, for example). As with the discipline rules, punishments must also be discussed and agreed between playmates, who are equal in the satisfaction they should get out of the overall experience.

D/S = Dominance and Submission

To Sub, or to Dom? That is the question...

Generally, BDSM involves pre-established routines of power play, in which one partner embodies the Dom role, while the other takes on the Sub role. The important point to note here is that both partners’ fantasies, as wild as they may be, are fully consensual and agreed by the other before play.

Whether you're a Dom, Sub, or Switch, you should receive immense pleasure and satisfaction from your chosen role. The level of complexity throughout the process can be as simple or intricate as you and your playmates desire.

• The Sub: Playing the ‘Sub’ role means to willingly give up some or all control to a Dominant playmate. This role requires a strong foundation of trust and patience.

If at any point during BDSM play the Sub feels as though their Dom is taking advantage of them in a way they aren’t comfortable with, then they must speak up. Subs are equal counterparts to Doms when it comes to setting up and adhering to boundaries.

• The Dom: Adopting the ‘Dom’ / ‘Domme’ role means to takes the lead - which may be physical, mental, emotional, and/or sexually during a BDSM session. A Dom should explore and meet the desires of their Sub, guiding both toward mutual pleasure.

Sometimes, a Dominant playmate will be referred to as a ‘Master’ or ‘Mistress’.

S/M = Sadism and Masochism

‘Sadomasochism’ involves deriving sexual pleasure and a rush of endorphins from inflicting or receiving consensual pain. As with Doms and Subs, there are elements of power play involved in these relationships.

• Sadism: Enjoyment is derived from inflicting pain or humiliation upon others.

• Masochism: Enjoyment is derived from being on the receiving end of pain or humiliation inflicted by someone else.

5 Tips for Safe BDSM Practice

Now that we’ve covered the different overlapping areas that make up ‘BDSM’, let’s delve into how to actually experiment and participate safely!

1. Set the rules

Before engaging in healthy BDSM play, you and your playmates must agree on some ground rules that define what you’re comfortable with. No matter what your playmates desire, you should never feel pressured into accepting any particular role or action.

Have open and honest discussions with your potential playmates about the roles you’re each drawn towards, so that you’re both comfortable and confident experimenting. If you’re too nervous about bringing these topics up directly, and you’re curious about your partner’s interest levels, consider watching some BDSM videos together to help broach the subject. Open discussions will help improve your sexual ventures and heat things up even further between the sheets.

2. Bird is the (safe) word

As we’ve mentioned, trust and mutual consent between playmates form the basis of BDSM. Without these,you should never commit. However, when you're right in the moment of some hot and steamy play, there may be a fine line between flirty dirty talk and an honest request to slow down or stop the action. Establishing at least one safe word before any session begins avoids any confusion!

We recommend 2 safe words:

•To stop: This safe word acts act as ultimate red light, signalling for your partner to stop immediately.

•When approaching a set boundary: This type of safe word alerts your partner that they’re getting close to a boundary you’re less comfortable with, and therefore should take the action in a different direction.

3. Brainstorm roleplaying ideas

If you’re unsure how to begin a BDSM relationship with your partner or if you’re feeling self-conscious, it might be worth considering some roleplay scenarios to spark the action and boost confidence. Porn can be a great source of inspiration - with popular pairings being: boss and employee, doctor and nurse / patient, among others!

Experimenting with different roles that you can act out will help give you distance from the real situation and your personal insecurities - a sure way to combat any nerves or stage fright.

4. Ease into it…

While you might nail the look, it may not be the best idea to rock up to your first BDSM session in full leather and a complicated rope device! If you’re new to BDSM and nervous to give it a go (don’t be, really!), you may be better off starting small and building your way up towards whatever you find suits your style. After all, your comfort and satisfaction is of the utmost importance at all times.

First practices of BDSM can include:

•Hair pulling

•Blindfolds

•Spanking

•Scarf/tie bondage

5. Aftercare is key

BDSM can be physically and emotionally intense for participants! Engaging in healthy aftercare directly following your sexual experiences (including cuddling, or showering together) allows playmates to reflect on their experience, nurturing a sense of calm, togetherness, physical wellness, and emotional clarity.

Let’s talk about it!

Want to share your kinky first time experience as a newbie? Have you got some seasoned advice as an experienced playmate? Let everyone in on some of your best (or worst) BDSM experiences in the comments below - we can’t wait to hear them.




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